15. you’re so vain I bet you think this blog is about you

Updated: Apr 12

Hello and welcome back to my blog. I haven’t posted in a few months and there’s a couple of reasons for that - I would like to start by explaining my absence and profusely apologise for it not lasting longer. The first reason I haven’t written a blog post in months is because blogs are incredibly fucking lame. Having a blog is utterly ridiculous and I am deeply ashamed of myself for ever even beginning this ridiculous endeavour. The only solace I take lies in knowing that I can proudly say I have never done the only thing worse than writing a blog, which is reading one - thank god, I am not a complete loser.

This brings me to reason number two for my brief hiatus - some sad little loser kept reading my blog and then kept taking it upon herself to let me know her thoughts about my sad little blog. I didn’t ask to hear her thoughts on my sad little blog and she didn’t have to read my sad little blog, but there she was - every week, letting me know exactly what she thought about my sad little blog. I imagine she is reading my sad little blog right now. What a sad little life.

She really did not like one particular entry. Last year, I wrote a blog entry about a horrible experience I had, one that I would not wish upon anyone, with a ‘friend’ who was abusive and controlling and cruel. For context, if you didn’t read this particular entry - to better summarise - and please bear with me on this one - a sociopathic person single-white-femaled me. This might sound overly dramatic, but that is because it was overly dramatic.

For a reason presumably unfathomable to most, someone inserted themselves into my life and slowly attempted to become just like me by mimicking my behaviour and appearance - she dyed her hair to match mine and I found out when she posted a picture tagging me in it. She

started to dress like I dress and steal jokes I had written. So yeah, it was pretty fucking dramatic.

This person actively sought out a friendship with me after only knowing of me from what she had seen in my stand up and social media - this didn’t ring the alarm bells it perhaps should have because I too had seen her stand up and her social media and thought she seemed like a funny and nice person - I was not opposed to her seemingly lovely and innocent offer of friendship.

We became friends and we spent a lot of time together. We would do normal things that friends do (pillow fights, making out etc) and then things started to get weird. She started behaving exactly like me off stage and saying jokes I had said in passing conversation on stage. She started changing her appearance to match mine, and started overstepping in unacceptable ways - for example speaking to a guy I had been talking to and telling him private and personal things that she should not have been telling him. But I accepted this behaviour, I told myself that it must’ve come from a good place, “it was a misguided attempt at wing-womaning” I told myself.

But then she did something really out of line - to another friend and I called her out on it. She didn’t take it well, and I started speaking to other people about the argument we had had - I talked about how her behaviour had become progressively weirder eventually culminating in this particularly unacceptable event - and that’s when I learned some fucking weird shit.

I found out that during, but most significantly, before our so-called ‘friendship’ - prior to her actively seeking out a friendship with me, and before we had spent any time together in person - she had clocked up a fair bit of time telling a fair few people all about how much she hated me and how shit my comedy is. This was a peculiar thing to learn about a friendship that was initiated because she reached out, out of the blue, telling me she loved my stand up and thought we should hang out.

I was surprised by the new information and I didn’t want to believe it - it seemed too “horror film written by an old guy about college girls” for my liking, where the final scene involves more than a figurative stab in the back, but I had no choice but to believe what I was now being told - I now had enough information and evidence from various reliable and consistent sources of just how vocal she had been about her hatred of me that I could have written not just a blog about it - perhaps an academic essay with proper citations (either MLA or APA format).

I felt physically sick to discover this about someone whom I had welcomed into my life - someone whose physical sick I had actually cleaned up, on multiple occasions, when she had thrown up in my living room. This was someone I had genuinely considered to be a close friend, and it was a friendship actively sought out by her. She put effort into becoming a part of my life - she went out of her way to befriend someone she thought was unfunny and awful, which seems like a lot of unnecessary effort to me. Personally, when I think people are unfunny assholes, I don’t DM them and ask them to meet up for coffee - but hey that’s just me! What am I like!

According to her, what I am like could be summarised rather harshly. Once I started talking to people about my friendship with her suddenly ending, I started to hear more and more about just how vocal she had been with her thoughts about me - mainly about how I’m not that funny and not that pretty. I do quite like it when people say “not that funny” or “not that pretty” because there is definitely an implication that I am at least a little bit funny or a little bit pretty and that‘s quite sweet of her to say - very flattering stuff actually.

I chatted to some nice normal people who had noticed that the two of us were hanging out - and they told me that they clocked it was odd considering the things she had been saying about me. But these nice normal people were people I was friendly with, but not close enough for them to have thought it was appropriate to reach out to me and let me know the things she had said about me - they didn’t want to overstep.

Anyway, upon learning this, I felt a wee bit freaked the fuck out. It was a sickening revelation to learn the full timeline of the parasocial and hateful relationship she had formed with me, and it made me feel ill to know that someone could treat another person like that. I think most people would feel the same. If you found out that someone who actively went out of their way to become your friend, someone who you willingly welcomed into your life and your home, had been openly and strongly talking about all the many flaws in your character and work, I think, just like me, you’d find it, at least a little bit, weird. It wasn’t normal or acceptable behaviour. I think if any writer was single-white-femaled like this, then just like me, they would probably write about being single-white-femaled.

I wrote the aforementioned blog post about this particular lil sociopath but I intentionally left a great deal of detail out of my writing and modified any factors that could’ve been identifying. There were things that she did and said that I deliberately kept out of my writing because it would make it obvious exactly who I was talking about. I think that was very nice of me to do considering what she did to me. The thing is - I’ve now realised I don’t actually owe shit to someone who would behave like that.

Writing about this experience was something I thought I was allowed to do. I thought it was ok for me to write about something that had happened to me in my own life on my own website that no one else is obliged to click on. Luckily - the aforementioned frequent and loyal reader of my blog informed me that this wasn’t, in fact, acceptable for me to do. She got rather hostile, telling me what an incredibly mean person I am for having written a blog about her friend.

The blog wasn’t about her friend. She was talking about an entirely different person - one who I had not written about in that or in any other piece of writing. I thought it was a wildly revealing conclusion for her to draw - pretty phenomenal stuff to read a personal essay in which the writer describes an emotionally abusive person and think “aye that’s my pal!”.

I told her that it wasn’t about her friend, but she told me I was lying and it clearly was - she said it read like it was about her friend. All the behaviour was the same, she said. She read it and had concluded it was definitely about her friend. She told me that her friend had done the same and they had been speaking about how mean I was, and how dare I.

Once again, I didn’t write about her friend - but since this response it sounds like someone ought to. It was wild to see someone tell on themselves like that. It sounds like her friend behaves rather badly, and it really seems like she doesn’t want anyone finding out. It sounds like it would be a real shame if they did.

My loyal reader told me I was a mean person regardless of who the piece was about and that I shouldn’t publicly talk about anyone like that because it’ll ruin their reputation if anyone finds out. I’m not sure that “don’t ruin the reputation of someone by writing honestly about the things that they said and did to you” is the hot take she thought it was and I think someone defending the actions of an emotionally abusive person and telling the person who wrote about it that they should keep their mouth shut is unbelievably fucked up. I think her response says far more about her than it does about me.

That’s the first real reason why I took a break from the blog - which will now be returning regularly, but will no longer be about hate - because someone was pretty cruel to me for having the audacity to write about my own life. I think it’s pretty weird to attack someone’s character in order to stop them from choosing to speak up about abusive behaviour they have been subjected to, especially if you’ve got such dire comprehension skills. That’s reason numero uno why I am back sharing my silly little thoughts about my silly little life - because just like everyone else, I am allowed to write about my experiences.

The person who read a piece and identified with the villain so much that they falsely attributed themselves as the muse is welcome to write about why she saw her own behaviour in a story about emotional abuse. The person I actually wrote about is also entitled to write about her experiences - she is very welcome to talk about why she befriended someone she so openly slagged off - but I imagine that’ll be a tricky one to explain. If I was to attempt to understand it - which believe me, I have tried - I would say that the awful things she said prior to meeting me stemmed from nothing more than her own insecurities and her needless jealousy of someone she didn’t actually know, someone whom as it turned out, was more than willing to be her friend.

The opinions she had of me and the rumours that I started to hear were terrible and cruel - but they were formed and said before meeting me, so they are obviously not a reflection of me. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to hear them. I think that if you hear nasty things about yourself, you have every right to attempt to claim back the narrative in your own life, and not let pathetic gossip and rumours define or bother you, even if you’re doing so on a sad little blog that a sad little person likes to critique.

That brings me to the second and main reason I have decided to bring the blog back - to set the record straight about some of the comments I heard. There were many that I heard that aren’t worth repeating but there was one that bothered me a lot - it really hurt to hear that she had said things like “Hannah is only having success in comedy because people want to shag her”. Statements like this were shocking to hear and I’m bringing the blog back because if people are going to say shit like this, I am going to respond to it. “Hannah is only having success in comedy because people want to shag her”??!? Seriously?! It’s 2022, and it’s shocking to hear such reductive dribble… if people wanted to shag me, they really ought to have made it known!!! Seriously, I can’t believe comedy could’ve been getting me laid all this time?! Next time, don’t let me be the last to know!!

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